Posted at 16:00
Emilia has a lover. A husband, in fact. And yes, they have a sexuality. Because asexuality is a specter, ladies and gentlemen. With an infinite variety of realities. Here is one.
The thirty-year-old gave us an appointment in a lovely park in the center of the city on a sunny May morning. Flirtatious, in a long skirt and lace t-shirt, she sits in front of us laughing nervously.
“Super straight. Maybe a bit stuck. That’s how I get the impression that people see me, ”she says right away, with that slight nervousness in her voice that doesn’t let her go to the interview.
All her life she felt different: “strange”, “extraterrestrial”, even “broken”, she also confided, after a long hour of confidences (not bad, for those who “never” talk about sexuality), eyes full of water. But not anymore. More since she put the finger, or the word, on her condition of her, or her “orientation”, rather: “in the spectrum of asexuality, she sums her up. I never realized there was really subtlety in this. That it is possible to be asexual and have a romantic relationship. And be happy with it. Without having an aversion to sex. ”
But clearly, my relationship with sexuality is not like that of others.
Emilia, in her thirties
A reportage that goes far enough back, after all: “I’ve always been super nerd, my family is nerd, we are all nerds and we have no problem. My family is very conservative. And I always thought that sex was bad. I wasn’t necessarily bullied. But it seems I’ve always kept this idea. “Which one?” That was not good, “she repeats. Or simply strange. And that he would change when he grew up. […] But that hasn’t changed … ”
The word “strange” often appears in conversation. We ask him to clarify: “maybe it was more of an inconvenience? he wonders.
A discomfort that does not apply, however, but not at all, to self-satisfaction. If he masturbates? “Yes, yes,” she replies, with a test tone. Yet ! […] And since I was very young. It’s a kind of liberation [relâchement]. […] A bit like when I say to myself: I’m hungry, I’m going to eat something. But without wanting anything in particular. A revealing detail, you will see.
As a teenager, Émilie had her first sexual experience with a first lover. “Obviously the lights out,” she says. And then ? “Correct”, no more, no less. “Nothing innovative “. Correct” physically “, you end up understanding, but not exactly” mentally “.” As if I were not mentally at ease … ”
Throughout its twenty years, this discrepancy is confirmed. She makes lovers, she sleeps with them, and the experiences remain “correct”. Though too frequent for her tastes. She continues with a new metaphor. “Like I’m dating a guy who plays tennis. Okay, tennis is okay. I am athletic. But it’s not my favorite sport. And it’s not like I wake up in the morning with a great desire to play tennis. ”
Through all these relationships (about ten), Émilie also has the impression of being “in competition” with sex. In competition? “I’ve always had this question: how much do these guys love me or why are we in a relationship and sleeping together? ”
I really felt like I was the problem, that I was just weird. Not adult enough? Not mature enough?
Emilia, in her thirties
It was finally in the late twenties, and through a friend, Émilie ended up meeting a different man. “Super intellectual” like her, and above all zero enterprising. “He didn’t ask me if I had a boyfriend, I found him intriguing. After two years of seeing each other as friends, purely and simply (“and there was never any hint!”), Émilie can’t believe it: “This is the first time I’ve ever had the feeling that someone sees me just for myself . ”
It must be said that Monsieur, for his part, has not only never been in a relationship (“I think he’s on the spectrum of aromatics!”), But he has never even slept with a girl. “He could have been all alone. She satisfies him. ”
So they ventured, as they say. And she clicked. Very gradually, gradually, they started holding hands, then kissing, until they made love. “And it was infinitely more fun than in my other relationships,” smiles Émilie. She also has her own idea of her on the subject: “Because I felt like this guy didn’t want sex, he wanted me 100%. It was the first time I didn’t feel objectified.”
Soon it will be ten years. And believe it or not, their intimacy has only improved over time. “We can go three or four months without sleeping together, she points out, but we won’t be frustrated, because we know how to please each other. […] And that’s why I’ve never been more satisfied or felt more respected in a relationship. ”
It must be said that she has found her way to her side. After discovering the subject (on the advice of a trans friend, then a queer friend who, like her, “doesn’t fit the pattern”), Émilie understood: she doesn’t know, or at least doesn’t feel the desire like ” others, “he explains.
I don’t feel that attraction. I’m not even sure what desire is.
Emilia, in her thirties
Yet another metaphor here: “Kind of like color blind people, who can’t tell you which colors they can’t see …”
So, as color blind to desire, then, when Émilie has sex with her husband, it is more out of a desire for intimacy, or intimacy, than out of sexual drive. Even so, she takes her foot. “Really, almost too much! she smiled. I see the stars. But that doesn’t make him want to do it again too much. Like when he’s hungry, he doesn’t always want to eat chocolate. He could also eat anything.
But the important thing is not there. “No matter how weird you are, or how weird you are, Emilie concludes, as long as you find someone similarly weird, you are normal in your relationship! […] I’m weird, but not that weird! ”
* Fictitious name, to protect your anonymity